March 2004 Archives

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

no coffee; i'm concerned that some of my physical symptoms could be due to
my recent adoption of coffee as a routine beverage.

o water, water, water
o fruits and vegetables every day
o three regular meals, every day

o ears are too clean

o at maximum weight

o should buy food from Trader Joe's

o try out nasal spray

o need to exercise 45 minutes at least twice a week

o need to keep an eye on pee pressure

o need to regularly check for skin/teste cancer

o regular excercise and regular relaxation important

o perhaps yoga

The Vet told me that Bailey has a heart murmur. In some ways, that knowledge
doesn't change anything, for I am constantly aware that every time she leaves
the apartment I may never see her again. Life is so fragile, so precious and
so taken for granted.

Bailey and I went to the vet today. I'm not sure whom the experience was more traumatic for -- me or Bailey. I think we're
both very glad to have it out of the way. She had to receive three vaccinations.

the ability that i have, to listen to music, to feel from it, to allow my mind to wander and dream, recalling old memories and imagining new ones at the same time, my body rocking unconsicously to the beat. my brain being able to process the words that i type as others enter my ears, humming along. being overwhelmed. wow.

I've been listening to some Garth Brooks lately; good stuff. Something that
just hit me as a parallel is my run-in with drugs. I think I always was afraid
of Dad's anger and when I was finally man enough to talk to him I found that
it caused him pain instead. It is very similiar in principal to this song,
with the same conclusion -- I hope that someday I am half the man he is.

i don't know who you are, but i'm grateful.

i have a such a sweet, patient kitty. she will sit right by the door and never utter a peep, waiting for me to notice her and let her out.

from my Knuth book: long but enjoyable

i watched an anime last night about a boy and his sister who lived during WWII.
their house was destroyed and their parents killed. it was really emotionally
wrenching -- when things were going right the girl was so cute and the boy
so proud. when things went wrong, the boy was left alone. i couldn't help
but feel lonely and afraid.

assumptions:

1. my life has a beneveolent organizer


2. my spirit exists, if only for a moment, before my body is born

• i am 100% accountable for every facet of my life

the world consists of six billion people, each interested in their own survival, all essentially competing. our brain achieves such amazing results by being
highly parallel; we can think about lots of things simultaneously without even
realizing it. what if the earth is just a big brain. each thought, fighting for
survival. some thoughts causing havoc to the whole, others repair. the analogy
is pretty interesting, although completely wacky.

at the moment, i'm very much in the state Kris described to me: auto-pilot. work is keeping me very busy, i'm (slowly) preparing for my upcoming Linux classes, school, and Eriko's visit. in the back of my mind are my ACL article, my trip to Japan in August (i seriously need to step up my Japanese studies), and buying a house or condo. tonight i have some reading for work and pleasure.

i've had to temporarily give up my excercise routine as it doesn't mesh well
with my throat cold. not sure if its too much sinus pressure or not enough
oxygen but its more important to take it easy and ride this thing out.

my desire to move to Japan is waning fast. if it happens as part of my career,
i'm all for it. otherwise, it seems like it would be an irresponsible move.

i'm toying with the idea of moving to Japan after i complete my master's
degree. Eriko mentioned getting married next year but it seems awfully
quick. i would have no time to spend with her family, i would just swoop in,
marry her, and we'd leave. i don't really like that idea. she suggested it,
so perhaps she's fine. an alternative would be that i move to Japan for a
few years, we get married and have our first child before moving back to
the US. it just seems unlikely that my career could be as fruitful in Japan
as it could be in the US, but i haven't done much exploration. i don't know
what Eriko's ideas are and i'm looking forward to the opportunity to talk
about it with her in person.. =)

i woke up about 4 because i was cold or had to pee or something. then i had
fruitless sleep for the next three hours as i was cold and thinking about
Eriko. then i wake and find a sweet email and as typical, know that my beloved brain was worrying for no reason.

i'm not hearing much from Eriko these days and i'm a little frustrated. i
have this knot in my stomach and my mind can't focus. this recent occurence
is because i sent her an email and the conversation was just left hanging.
women. =)

i was writing an email to Katrina when something i said made me think of
Musashi's book and the concept of the Void spirit. i feel like perhaps i may
have a little understanding what this concept is, this position in me that
is completely neutral, even as emotions or thoughts rage. this is my first glimmer of comprehension but it is something else for 'me' to look at. i love those
quotes. life is about discovering self! what an exciting adventure.

but sometimes it sure does feel that way

i really should make more of an effort to write in my diary, on a regular basis. i love reading Zack's, and Katrina's, and Matthew's. i try to remember to do it every day and i am dissappointed when i don't see anything new. sometimes i am bothered by the content and it forces me to analyze why i'm bothered, what it is about myself that i dislike in their words. i've noticed i'm becoming a little more theoretical, a little more analytical, a little more thoughtful. i'm actually starting to read again, slowly. my brain doesn't have the focusing power it did when i was a kid and i am often distracted, sometimes mid-sentence or even in the middle of a word. its quite amazing to recognize myself lose focus while part of me is still reading, as if the volume on one channel is slowly drowning out that of another. i have a lot of things i want to do in this life. i know that in retrospect, i will be granted the opportunity to glimpse everything i desire; in the moment, though, i fe!
ar the passing of time.

how does sitting in the dark frying on acid make the world any more
different than thousands of voices shouting in unison, the thoughts,
thoughts are the key.. everyone has thoughts.. always.. never ending..
even while dreaming.... together these resolve conflicts, create
harmony.. our thoughts create our existence, create our very universe.
but not the individual thoughts themselves, they have no relevance one
way or another, but rather simply the presence of the thoughts, of the
energy generated by the brain. i can see where the writer of the
matrix got his idea... what necessitates the presence and exploration
of the human psyche? if nothing else but to stimulate more activity..
everything seems to stimulate more activity, and more, and more.. each
cascading thought leads to another.. never ending.. no need to feel
alone.. everything is one, one is everything. Yet nothing.. Nothing
exists, but the mere idea of nothingness existing is another paradox..
infinitely many paradoxes... motor functions are not responding as
well as the used to be, the thoughts are insanely rapid now.. the
music throbs, entering one eardrum and leaving the other, its effect
merely as an end to the silence, which is more plaguing that
anything.. but so much of existence is perception, which is inherently
wrong, inconsistent with reality, but hot damn its so far away to have
this cigarette. if i'm strong i can either conquer the desire for one,
but looking at it only makes me long for me.. didn't beat that one.
not like i even care about beating that one, it is merely what we
wanted anyway, we being me, or whatever different thoughts are
colliding in this brain. i must learn more about psychological
research that has been done.. for surely i am not alone in these
pursuits, and it is more productive to combine the general knowledge,
rather than reinvent the wheel.. my body craves for more sustenance..
why.. biologically should it have not received adequate
compensation... jetta always a faithful companion.. mans best friend..
very reminiscent of ones lost uniqueness everyone has a little
companion, somewhere.. it it responds to every other stimuli, spawning
new creations.. which in turn respond to other stimuli, resulting in
the same, so everything can be represented as a cascading network...
but if everything is simply created from a single origin point,
reacting to everything beside, inherently resulting in the mass to
fill a sphere... each moment is disconnected from the last... i cannot
remember the last time i swallowed or where i just was.. the chemistry
is all wrong.. cant remember the swallow... each moment not connecting
to the next.. seconds in time fading away like minutes, minutes like
seconds.. nothing connecting... memories not syncing up.. like there
was several minutes lapse between the brain recognizing the images and
its processing several minutes lapses while i attempt to compose each
particular junction of this phrase, but not remembering the moment
before.. glances are fleeting neurons not firing, each node operating
independent of the other, all with there own desires, don't retain any
feeling in my orifices... hell i don't even know what the fuck an
orifice is.. brain is disconnected from itself.... must regain link
with current time... now.. must focus on now... make neurons fire,
make them sync up... but why... in seconds or is it minutes the room
has changed... cold now, as if the feeling as just catching up..
everything completely disconnected.. images being processed way behind
schedule, remember to swallow, ensure proper breathing... wow, time is
really distancing itself now.. only been three minutes though...
feeling hasn't returned in my left hand.. still seems distant.... one
two three four five six seven eight nine ten twenty forty what parts
of me are so built in and what parts of me are responses to stimuli..
wow, moment disconnected.. deja vu deja vu.. body attempting to
respond by increasing heart rate.... correlations between present ...
and hell present.. only come in glances.. no short term memory at all
hell,if anything remember it was good shit holy shit, my feelings and
my body's responses are disconnected.. i am shivering, but don't feel
cold, now the rush of cold, but two entirely different feelings.. one
of the body shaking uncontrollably, but with no recollection as to
why... takes me a couple of seconds to realize that not only am i
cold, but i'm shaking uncontrollably.. one moment goes by in micro
seconds... body shivering, brain hasn't registered cold yet brain
realizing its cold, wanting to do something about body.. brain making
me do something everything is real..

my throat is still bothering me, but its mainly a faint tickle. it bothers me most at night. last night i went out drinking with some hippies from work; its been a while since i've done that (and it will probably be a while before i do it again ;) time is really flying by as i'm really busy with work and i haven't even started school yet!

alex just told me he is taking a dump. i wanted to record this so that
thousands of years from now, when aliens recover this bits, they will know
that we poop.