Recently in Introspection Category

Seeds...

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I held Momoko for a few minutes after Eriko went to bed tonight and marveled at where life is. I can't remember exactly what it felt like to hold Jerry, only that he's always way out in front of me and I suspect that isn't ever going to change. Realizing this, perhaps I can remember more of these early details - but I suspect that is wishful thinking.

As I look around our small home, I see seeds - an avocado tree which will eventually outgrow its 19" pot, a piano which is far too large for a home this size, a motorcycle balloon hanging from the ceiling, and a table that clearly needs a larger kitchen. Those might all say "you need a bigger house", but only the first one did in my mind - the other images I see are Eriko's music career, Jerry becoming a man, and our family growing.

At work, I've recently been promoted "back" to a Director - but in a completely different role, in Product Management (vs Engineering). I can't help but feel wiser and more prepared now versus two years ago - but like this tiny home, my small team is littered with the seeds of the future. The company is littered with the seeds of the future - ideas, markets, and people.

In four years from now, where will be? Which seeds will grow - and in what direction?

PS Just finishing watching the first two seasons of Entourage - great series. 

Feeling the Crunch

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The first month of 2010 is past us. It was a good month, filled with activity and fun. As February begins I am beginning to fill a little overwhelmed. I have agreed to take on a LOT of items at work and as I look at my list I see 9 major deliverable this month alone. When I say major, I mean that they are all goin to be either highly visible, strategic, or both. 

To top all that off, the baby is coming. As a father, I don't feel the impending arrival like Eriko seems to. She spends every moment with this mysterious creature, whereas I am only reminded when her belly knocks me over. With Jerry, I spent more time in shared anticipation - but when he was born it took me several months to feel close to him. I suspect this child will be the opposite - not until I see the face will the full reality strike me, but knowing what an amazing thing it is to bond with a child I will want to start immediately. 

All of this tests my ability to get things done. I have done well with most of 2010 goals this far, although both Kanji practice and strength training have been neglected. I also noticed a worrying amount of procrastination the last two weeks as I'm faced with larger projects. The instant gratification of answering emails or making phone calls helps me feel accomplished, but time is running out. 

Diligence, indeed.

2010 - Diligence

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My goals page has been relatively unchanged for several years. As I reflect on it, these goals continue to be the most relevant near-term objectives that I have. I do tweak them slightly at times as my specific interests wax and wane. The ones that I tweak tend to be less specific and more theme-oriented, such as "stay technical" or "get back into science and mathematics." Those should be more specific - but for now, just consider them placeholders.

All this said, a goal is only a destination - and dreams are cheap. The real task is conceiving measurable steps which advance oneself, continuously, towards that destination. These steps have to be flexible enough to deal with the vagaries of life, but rewarding enough that the mere completion encourages diligence - a virtuous cycle of progress.

Diligence - this is my theme for 2010.

Diligence at home, diligence at work, and diligence with myself.

2010 will be yet another fast-paced year - perhaps the most I have experienced yet.

The responsibilities and demands at work should continue to increase, congruent with our success (which I can only hope exceeds my wildest expectations.) Needless to say (and I won't blog much about work here) I consider myself currently involved in the opportunity of a lifetime.

My second child should arrive late February (hopefully healthy and happy.) Everyone that I have spoken to says that the second child is more than double the effort of the first. Jerry keeps us on our toes so much that is difficult to imagine being pushed even harder - but "a burden of one's choice is not felt." 

Through all of this, I cannot lose sight of myself. This certainly happened, or nearly happened, for the first year or two with Jerry. I am only beginning to understand how to put all the appropriate emotional and mental boundaries that give the best that I can to my family and work while still leaving time for myself - and not feeling guilty about it. In the absence of these boundaries, my efforts begin to have diminishing returns. If taking 5 minutes to relax means that I can play with Jerry for an extra hour, that is 5 minutes well spent.

In the last 3 months of 2009 I adopted Remember the Milk, which is a task management system. I clearly have much more to improve upon, but developing a system for getting things done has paid off tremendously - I accomplish more, in a shorter period of time, and feel better doing it - all of which leaves more time for me and my priorities. This is yet another virtuous cycle, where I'm driven to higher levels of productivity and efficiency for the greater amount of time it affords me to do what I prefer.

As with each New Year, I am flush with the promise and possibility of change and hope is strong. I must now factor in diligence - the year will move quickly - I must strive for constant progress, no matter how incremental. 

My goals for 2010 are:

Swimming - I have wanted to learn to lap swim (not just doggie-paddle) for a lonnnng time. In 2009 I started running but quickly found that this was very hard on my knees. I had custom orthotics made (and perhaps they will help) but long-term, the sustainable exercise will be swimming. I signed myself up for lessons at Queen Anne Pool starting in January (and signed up Jerry for another round of lessons as well.)

Reading - 2009 was a wonderful year for reading blogs. I follow over 50 blogs on a weekly basis and read hundreds of posts; as Zack said, I read "too much." I would alter that statement slightly and say that I don't read enough compelling/relevant material and I'm not selective enough with my time. Bloggers are great - but there is a lot of chaff with the wheat. I will read one good book every three months.

Writing - this blog did not see a lot of love in 2009. I found it very difficult, between the chaos at home and at work (and more accurately, inside myself) to be diligent about personal introspection. I think that reflecting upon oneself and the world is the only thing that takes us out of the routine, allows us to see ourselves more clearly, and improve. I did more blogging for my company's site than I did for my own! I will generate a *good* blog post once every two weeks.

Health - I did a good job losing weight and eating better in 2009 - but there is still much room for improvement. While my weekly running campaign was a good start, if Zach is busy or I've had a long night I will typically skip the exercise. I need to find some way to make this more consistent. I would like to move beyond just cardiovascular and into strength training as well. I will exercise at least twice a week, once which will include some form of strength training.

Japanese - Of course, Eriko continues to speak to Jerry in Japanese - and this helps my listening comprehension. That said, my speaking, my writing, my vocabulary, and my reading have all dropped off precipitously. There is no good excuse for this - I want Jerry to learn to write and read and I can certainly put in at least that much effort. I found a great iPhone app, iKanji, and I have wanted a mobile study platform for a long time - this may help. I will learn at least one new Kanji per month.

Some of these steps are more aggressive than others - and rightfully so. As I grow more confident in a particular area, more efficient in others, I hope that new opportunities for accelerating my progress will emerge. At times, I will fail - but "the real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere."

Diligence.

Happy New Year!

2009 - Year in Review ...

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2009 was a great year for me. 

I don't know that it started out that way - I came into this year struggling with my new career - while I was enjoying myself to some degree, I didn't feel as if I was excelling or accelerating. Some of that was likely due to my newfound distraction/obsession - the economic crisis. Some of it was due to my beloved Jerry growing up and demanding more of my time and attention, not less - and that was a struggle too.

Right around mid-year, things began to change. I started a running program with my co-worker, Zach. In retrospect, that helped a lot - not only did I lose about 7 pounds (and thus it helped my self-esteem) but I feel healthier too. I also went to my boss and asked for more - more clarity on the role, more clarity on what I needed to do to exceed, and most of all - more responsibility. With Jerry, I resolved myself to spend as much time with him as possible - which firmed up my priorities.

At work, the change has been very clear. I became an active blogger on our corporate website, an active spokesperson at conferences, headed up a new horizontal push, and spent more time on the road helping sales and customers. These things snowballed and I became more involved, it became more enjoyable, and I became more involved. Of course, then my co-worker's told me I was working too much. I thought things were balanced, but I'll take that into consideration.

Jerry has also begun to mature - around mid-year, he began to play constructively. Instead of destroying everything, we could build things together. That sort of play makes it so much easier for me to stay engaged (and not get distracted by silly things, like our economy.) I did find a better way to stay engaged in the news and I got myself an iPhone - both of which made my walk to and from work more productive and allowed me to claw-back a few moments of the day for myself.

It might not be coincidental that mid-year Eriko announced that she was pregnant. The expectant joy of another child will do wonders for snapping one out of a funk. 

The last two weeks here are a vacation for me and although we won't be spending time with Kevin and Melissa's family this year, I will get to spend it with my parents, my brother, and my sister. That's as good of a consolation prize as one can get it.

Enough rambling - Jerry is up and ready to play. 

Happy Holidays to All!

The Intervention

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Tonight after a fabulous steak dinner at RingSide, I was given an intervention by my
co-workers.

You're working too much.

You need to stop working when you're on vacation.

Don't burn out.

I thought I had established a good work/life balance - but they are right; I was on vacation last week and I never quite "left" work. Technically, what I have is a work/Jerry balance - which is perhaps part of the problem - no time for "me", no time for me and Eriko. 

I have vacation coming up next week, so this is a wonderful opportunity to step back from work a bit - and probably step back from the computer a bit as well. I need to figure out a plan for the Jetta (and the MG); it's not going to sell (or fix) itself.


This is going to be easier said than done...

Lost

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I have lost my way. While my current position is fun (at times) and is providing me with new experiences, I don't feel as if I'm moving towards anything.

Why am I still at work?

Good salary.
Convenient.
Comfortable.
Big investment.
Lack of alternatives.

I work hard, long and most days I am excited to head into the office.

Honestly, I seem to be operating off of hope more than reality - most of what I do I tend to feel unsatisfied with.

A case of unrealistic expectations?

I'm torn between fearing that I'm letting another opportunity pass me by and abandoning the hope that work will "pay out".

That's the rub - would I still be here if I had sold all my shares at $ 10?

Dad always told me to find something you love and the rest will take care of itself - the lack of fulfillment at work is creeping - it has become much more about the result than the journey - and on that note, I am completely lost.

too busy doing not much...

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Work has been keeping me pretty darn busy as of late (which isn't a bad thing, considering that I still have a job...)

The rest of my time is occupied by my favorite guy - Jerry!

Isilon and Jerry... I've been on several trips recently - to Atlanta, Austin, and soon Los Angeles. Jerry keeps me really busy, from the moment I get home until the moment I leave the next door. We've been having a ball.

He made two verbal slips that were pretty funny recently - we were talking about fruits and donuts and he accidentally said "banut" (banana donut). As soon as the word came out, we both started laughing. There was a look of surprise on his face. Today, the same thing happened - he wanted to watch Bee Movie and instead said "Boomie". He's has become a very effective communicator, very fast.

I had a communication success of my own yesterday - I gave a lecture at UW; Hank Levy gave me the honor of teaching about Isilon's OneFS for his CSE 451 course. It was a pleasure and I think I did a bang-up job.

I've obviously been spending a lot of time learning about what's going on with the financial markets, the economy, etc. I am certainly no expert, but far more informed then I was a few months ago. I have yet to take the same strong interest in politics...

Flashback to 2002, when I quit my job at InsynQ as a beautiful love interest (Eriko) forced me to realize that it was going nowhere. In doing so, I spent several months unemployed and it has completely impacted and changed my spending habits. Before the unemployment, I spent money like I would always have money - not necessarily in debt, but very little savings.

Since then, I strive to (as my father would say) "save where I can, so I can spend where I want." Eriko prepares my lunch on a daily basis, she cuts my hair, we rarely go out to eat, we drive old cars, and live far from a consumption lifestyle - but we do splurge on things like memberships to the Children's Museum and Zoo for Jerry, trips to Japan and Pennsylvania, and of course - toys for Jerry.

I see the current financial crisis (and the pathetic political situation that has done nothing to abate it) as the trigger for me to be more involved, more engaged, and more educated. Ideally, I'll make better decisions regarding my longer-term financial goals.

In crisis, there is opportunity.

Zack had been prompting me to read this for some time, so I took it with on my trip to Texas last week. It turned out to be very easy and engaging reading and I finished it on the flight down. Reading Wil's blog entries and then his own commentary on the blogs was interesting. I have found a very similiar duality or "show" which occurs in my own writing.

When I first started this blog, I was writing it for me - my earliest entries are intimate, revealing, and sometimes "inappropriate." As my audience appeared and it became clear that Eriko, my parents, my siblings, and other relatives were reading the blog I found myself altering the type of content and presentation.

No longer do I write an entry as a stream of consciousness in a vacuum - I'm very aware of the "audience" watching. At the same time, my life has changed so much, most of my content has become less brash; there is no need for such bravado - gone are the days of political and international conspiracy theories (who has time for that), the partying (day after is too painful), and the women (one is very much enough, thank you).

My entries are focused on career and my family. I find it fitting that this matched Wil's transition as well - he is my role model for the "goals" page on nick.org.

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